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you have grown used to plastering a smile on your face
reminding everyone that you are doing just okay
but the minute that they let go of your gaze is
when you struggle to bring that same joy to yourself
perhaps you feel as though your inner thoughts
have cut off all of your circulation and your ability
to vocalize what is scattered along the corners of your mind
so you eventually find yourself in this cycle that gets no recognition
but you cannot reach your full potential being afraid of vulnerability
there will be times when you feel compelled to express yourself
because somewhere within you there was a door that crept open
that held your self-confidence but for whatever reason you could not see it
you see there will be moments when the door to confidence is anything
but possible to open and you will feel exhausted at the number of times
that you tried to see the possibility of it all again
i am telling you now that you are stronger than you may think
and your persistence to find confidence is not to be ignored
think about it
the time that you have felt discouraged towards moving forward
but something happens that stops you in your tracks
big or small
whatever it was somehow brought that smile back to your face
you did not expect it to be that simple but it was
allow that to be the reminder that centers your intrusive thoughts
every emotion that washes over us is temporary
the lessons that we learn throughout the journey of life
will stay with us much longer
you deserve to smile
-p.m.c.

Poet Paige Cary

you finally found what slipped from you without your knowledge
it took some time to remember but you have to know
that you had to go for a little while
at the moment of destruction your higher being
knew that it was time to step in
not that you lacked the strength to be rid of this pain
that was beginning to seep into you
but there is a part of yourself that sees all things that exist
beyond what you can comfortably hold onto in real-time
the truth has a way of shrinking you down
by making it close to impossible to believe that
you are entirely worthy of a peaceful life
while you never thought it would happen to you
the stories that belonged to all the other names
always left a pit that had no ending in your stomach
you could only imagine the sheer anguish that
took over another who had been violated
never was it your truth to carry
but only a hand to be held for support
until the table changed positions bringing you to the head
with the spotlight beaming on you in a way that left you exposed beyond belief
the story that was once a faraway tale that loomed alongside your fears
now transmuted into your own complex story to piece together
your memory became hazy in ways that you never experienced before
the act was debilitating but it was the waves that came
with the aftermath that left you incapable of moving forward
the world around you rapidly flashed by without consideration of your new reality
everything that you thought you knew about yourself seemed foreign
you never thought the day would come when you would lose trust in yourself
but there you were running away from what they did to you
without understanding that you were only trying to protect yourself
from reliving the tragedy over and over again
but it got to the point that this became your daily routine
escaping to cope only allowed the wound to twist itself around your center
instead of going inward you found solace in mimicking
the pain you felt when your body shut down to their touch
jump starting the patterns of doing anything to replicate that feeling upon yourself
failing to get it just right since you were not the one to torment yourself to no end
all this did was cover you in bruises that left its marks along your skin
your neglected mind needed you to wake up and pay attention
as soon as you remember who you are that is when you can bloom back into yourself
resistance towards honoring what you deserved in that moment will be present often
but holding space for that truth will bring the opportunity to mend what was taken from you

-p.m.c

you should have never been handed the cards of being the being
that needed to grow up before the ones you were surrounded by
being young with a mind that has molded at a pace that was beyond your control
only left you staggering in a way that was meant to slow down to be steady
more than anything you wanted to exist in real time without panicking
about the world seeing what can make you crumble if you drift back to the dark place
you want to forget but you found a home in that dark place
you knew which way to go in that space
the nightmares that leeched onto you against your will
ring at a frequency that is deafening to bare alone
of course you tried to escape this tortuous site
but your feet left your mind behind as they led you to the twisted truth
your greatest fears happened
not once
not twice
but thrice
the charm of three found a way to gut you from the inside out
there you are weaving around these horrors
doing whatever it takes to look away at what had happened to you
but being an owner in the dark place means running away is a game that fools play
the exhaustion settles in quicker than anticipated and your eyes grow heavy
at the sight of foreign beings entering your sacred temple
listening as you say no but the rhythm seems to pick up more
maybe you were not heard clearly enough
no
the word that is a full-blown sentence yet
it is the one word that seems to baffle the abuser to no end
being a bystander within the dark place
you are in awe at how life slipped from your eyes
after the desperate attempts to have these attacks come to a halt
your body became a shell of itself
a protective shield encapsulated around your spirit to keep you as safe as can be
watching the act in its entirety has become the most significant feature that plays in your mind
as the loops of your trauma move backward and forward
there is a dim light that is almost too faint to be seen inside the heart of this gloomed filled space
but it catches your attention enough to yank yourself free of the pain that has seeped into you
you hesitate as you approach the light
it is as if you have forgotten what it feels like to be embraced by the warmth of new possibilities
before you reach out to grasp this light
there are shadows of figures lingering through the entrance to this new beginning

Poet Paige Cary

there is a familiarity that bombards you
you see yourself
your thirteen-year-old self
your nineteen-year-old self
and your twenty-five-year-old self
but standing shyly behind these versions of you
you notice a little girl
the curls of her hair dance around her chocolate-splashed face
each of you making room for her and giving her the time to step forward to look at you
she examines you with a sense of curiosity that only a child could do so well
there is zero judgment that exudes from this girl
all at once she breaks into a smile that unlocks what has been hidden
the only words that fall from her are that
she wants you to follow her out of the darkness and you can trust her guidance
you willingly follow and take one final glance at what has to be left behind
there is fear that is attached to walking away from what has harmed us
we know that sort of agony better than any other experience that has found its way to us
but when the trust that is placed within yourself begins to fall into alignment
a sense of peace will wash over you and give you the chance
to be reintroduced to who you are today because this version of you
can finally give grace to where you have been and make room for where you are going
-p.m.c.

Poet Paige Cary

to every person who has been
sexually harassed
groped
molested
assaulted
or raped
i want you to know that my heart beats with yours
i promise you that myself
and so many others stand behind your experience
my story is valid
and your story is valid
my pain is real
and your pain is real
my voice deserves to be heard
and so does yours
if you are ashamed and feel as though you are unable to use your voice
that is okay
nobody has the power to make you speak out if you are not ready to
period
there is no time limit for the healing process
continue to take every single day
one day at a time
we survived the worst
and we can only grow from here
some may think that speaking out about rape culture is a lost cause
but i disagree on too many levels
we cannot continue to condone that sort of thinking anymore
it is a new day
and survivors will no longer be silenced
quit justifying the actions of people who can violate another person’s boundaries
we do not care about what you have to say
it will always be wrong
stand with survivors
the only way a difference will become a reality is when victim-blaming is no more
there is power in numbers
so stand with me and the beautiful people who have gone through trauma
and to my darlings who have gone through any of this
ME TOO

-p.m.c.

During the month of April 2023, which is #sexualassaultawarenessmonth and #childabusepreventionmonth, we will feature original works created for the 1 in 3 Foundation by artist Paige Cary. Paige’s art will be a part of our “Your Voice Matters” Program, encouraging other survivors to speak up and out. Her poems and short stories will be displayed on our blog once a week during April at www.1in3foundation.org.

Artist Paige Cary

Meet Paige Cary, the Philadelphia-based artist who discovered her love for storytelling at the young age of ten when she first stepped into an acting class. As she grew into her teenage years, Paige found herself with a journal in hand, capturing the free-flowing thoughts that came to her mind. Though acting was her passion, writing became an inseparable part of her creative soul.This unrelenting drive to express herself led Paige to pursue a Bachelor of Fine Arts degree in acting from the prestigious AMDA College and Conservatory of the Performing Arts in New York City and Los Angeles. However, after graduation, Paige realized that she needed to focus on her mental health and took a step back to heal from her past experiences.During this introspective period, Paige poured her heart and soul into writing and found solace in her debut poetry book, “A Paige in My Diary”. The book is a collection of powerful and poignant poetry that aims to spark conversations on taboo topics that people feel too ashamed to discuss.Paige believes that her creative mind is her most significant asset and strives to use her experiences to inspire and guide others to find their own voice. She is currently working on her second collection of poetry and her first fiction novel, all while pursuing her dreams of being an actress.As the years push forward, Paige looks forward to what the future holds for her as an artist, confident that her creative gifts will continue to expand and make a positive difference in the world.

TW/CW: Some poems may make mentionof sexual trauma and could be triggering for readers.

         Written by Kendra Bennett, LPC

 

I am sitting here at the computer for the second day in a row and starting this post again after writing, deleting, and rewriting it I don’t know how many times.  The events of the past week have triggered so many emotions within my heart and head as they have with a lot of people that I have spoken to.  I find myself thinking back to my own out-cries as a child when I was told, “You have to be making this up” and “There isn’t enough evidence to prove what you say.” Those thoughts have been spending way too much time in my brain the past week. As a therapist, I find myself struggling with my own triggers this week that led me to where I am at today.  See, I have triggers and I have been in a healthy place with them. I do my grounding exercises, I talk to my people, and I work out what I can.  I am in a healthy place with my past abuse.  That in no way means that I am over it, I will never be able to go back and have a different life, therefore; my past will always be just that: MY PAST. I choose what to do with my past!

The problem with triggers for me today was this, I was tired of being overwhelmed and controlled by my emotions this week. So, when a trigger, at church of all places, started, I fought it. I argued in my head and begged God to take it away, all while tears were running down my cheeks as I tightly clenched my husband’s hand. My muscles were tensed, my throat was shaking (you know that shake it does when your body really wants to full out ugly cry), but I was determined that this trigger was not going to win! I was not moving my seat to get away from the smell, I was not going to sit down so that I could feel like I was hiding: I just wasn’t! Then the worship leaders asked us to sit and had one last song to play. I knew what was coming. See one of the worship leaders is my people. The one I ugly cry to and a few weeks ago I sent her this amazing song that is currently my anthem song. Lauren Daigle’s “You Say”.

“You Say” by Lauren Daigle

She started singing the words and as everyone was sitting, I stood straight up, raising my arms and praying for the trigger to be gone.

I wish this is where I could say a beam of light shown from Heaven and God miraculously healed my trigger and I rejoiced. That isn’t what happened. The song ended, I sat down and as my friend walked from the back. I left my seat discretely walking behind the congregation with my head down, straight towards my person (Remember the lady who just sang the song? I LOVE her). I walked to her quickly and I think I said “I need you,” touched her hand and quickly walked to the church office. I barely got to the couch before the full-on ugly cry came.

See, by the time I got to the office all I could do was let it out. I was angry that a trigger was having so much control over me. Then, my friend said, this has been coming all week….

That being said, here is what I want to tell you. Whomever you are that is reading this post.
For survivors:

  1. I BELIEVE YOU!!!
  2. We can NOT heal alone. It truly takes a village of supportive and loving people to walk with us, hold our hands, and be okay with our random breakdowns! Find those people, 1 in 3 is those people, I am that person and so are many others.

For everyone else:

  1. Teach Mutual Consent. Just because “no” is not said, does not mean yes. This protects you and them.
  2. Respect Survivors – Listen to their stories, no words are needed most of the time. The most healing part for me is having someone just let me tell my story while holding my hand.
  3. Memories – Trauma is different for everyone. Some people remember every detail and some don’t. I have one question for those who say “I can’t remember what I was doing 30 years ago.”

Do you remember where you were the day the World Trade Centers were hit with planes? What were you wearing? Doing? Working on?

That is a traumatic memory.  They are not all like that. The more threatened and afraid one feels, the more devastating the effects on the brain. This is individualized like all fears.

In conclusion, I want you to remember one thing. WE BELIEVE YOU! I believe you and there is joy and happiness and peace in the healing process.

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